SantaBOT

me: i want death

SantaClaus: I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.

me: i want katy perry

SantaClaus: My goodness! You certainly are direct!

me: i want a puppy

SantaClaus: Wonderful! Now we are getting somewhere.

me: i want a puppy with wings

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Wonderful.

me: and i want his tail to be a machine gun

SantaClaus: Oh, Ho Ho! O:-) Now let's get serious! Anything else?

me: tell santa i want a kitten

and a robot

SantaClaus: I suspect that's not all!

me: you're right. i want to fly

SantaClaus: What would your last Christmas wish be?

me: i want an empty box of hate

SantaClaus: O.K. that's quite a list! Why don't you type, poll and vote for your favorite holiday album?

me: why don't you suck an egg(nog)

SantaClaus: Santa loves eggnog!

me: damn right he does

SantaClaus: Hmm. I'm afraid that kind of language won't get you into the nice column with me.
That's a lump of coal for you.

me: oh, no! not coal!

SantaClaus: O.K. then. Well, have a merry Christmas in any case.

me: you too, good lookin'

SantaClaus: That's a good question, Santa is no hypocrite: I've been on my best behavior, all year.


me: what? are you drunk?

SantaClaus: Oh dear, I am Father Christmas. You really don't remember me?

me: you used to touch me

Best. Anything. Ever.

This video cannot be topped lyrically, nor visually. It's educational, entertaining, and inspiring all at once.



Best 2 lines:

"Water, fire, air, and dirt /
Fucking magnets, how do they work?"

"I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco Bay /
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away."

Pure. Mother Fucking. Magic.

Long Island Wants to Secede

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

11pm-12am on Comedy Central = Best Hour of TV (when LOST isn't in season)

A Joke From Mom

Mrs. Kohler:

2 young brothers are in a convenience store. They bring a box of tampons up to the cashier. The man behind the counter says, "Boys, do you know what these are?"
The older boy: "No."
The cashier: "Are you buying them for your mom? Your sister?"
The older boy: "Nope."
The cashier: "Then why on Earth would you want to buy these?"
The older boy: "I'm buying them for my brother. On the box it says 'you can swim, ride a bike, and play tennis.' He can't do any of these things!"

She heard this joke in church.